House of Identity
An essay and creative arts activity to explore identity within motherhood
Think of yourself as a house. The different rooms in the house represent different parts of your identity. Each room is unique and special, but a part of the whole. When you are young you start to build this house, and can bounce from room to room – school, home, soccer, gymnastics, piano, art – whatever your passions are. Growing up, you find your favorite rooms, your comfortable rooms. You settle into your career in one room. Your dating room becomes frequented by one visitor only, and you redecorate it – perhaps turning it into a marriage room. Maybe you’ve had some rooms that have been harmful, like addiction or an eating disorder. Those rooms are difficult to leave, but recovery has enabled you to shut and lock those doors. However they remain as a part of who you are, the blueprint of your life. When you are balanced and healthy, it’s fairly easy to walk from room to room in the house of your identity. Your daughter room. Your crochet room. Your friend room. Your political activist room. Your volleyball room. Your girls' only Sunday brunch room.
Becoming a mother is like walking through an unfamiliar door and finding that you have an entirely new room in your house. It is beautiful, and unlike any other part of your house you have ever known. The views out the window make you see the entire world differently. You wonder how your house could exist without this one wonderful room.
But there is a LOT to do there. And as time passes, you find you are spending most of your time in this one room. While you love it, you realize you miss the other parts of your house. But you may feel stuck, or even guilty about leaving the space. You may forget about some of the other rooms in your house, or may not even want to open their doors for fear of dust and cobwebs or other signs of neglect.
When you step out of your motherhood room, you are still a mother. But nurturing the other parts of identity that make you who you are will make it more comfortable to be in your motherhood role.
Activity
I invite you to take part in a creative exercise to explore your identity. You do not need to “identify” as an artist to take part in this. If you can draw a wonky-edged rectangle, you can try this. It’s about the process and not the product.
Draw a blueprint of your “house of identity.”
Label the rooms.
You can add on as much as you’d like.
When you’re finished, use the following questions to examine your house a little closer. An “house inspection,” if you will.
In what rooms do you spend your time?
What rooms do you avoid?
In what rooms would you like to spend more time?
Who is with you in each room?
How does each room affect your view of the world out the window?
I’ve been a cellist for almost 30 years. The “cello room” was where I met some of my most important friends. It’s where I learned the power of grit and resilience and expression and connection and so much more. In college I decided to walk away from performing as a career, promising myself that I would always continue to frequent the room. However, with each pregnancy came carpal tunnel syndrome, followed by a postpartum where I would not even touch my instrument. After each baby, there came a time when I knew I had to open that door again and start to play. I am currently undertaking that now for the third time (the baby is 2.5, by the way…).
If there is a part of your identity that you would like to nurture, start with a small goal. What does “opening the door” look like for you? Can you sit in the corner of that room for a few minutes? Can you spend 5 minutes tidying the space? How does it feel, and when would you like to return?
If the shifts in identity that motherhood brings cause distress, it can be helpful to talk to a mental health professional. Please reach out to schedule a 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how therapy and I can support you.
