Supporting Friends Postpartum and in Other Times of Need
“Let me know if you need anything!”
One of the most unhelpful phrases we can say, but we all find ourselves saying it now and then. Of course she needs something! She just had a baby (or was recently injured, or is experiencing an illness, or recently lost a loved one). The good news is, we can turn this phrase into one of action and show up as a part of the village we know our friends need. What can you do?
Food
I am pretty sure that since the dawn of humanity, bringing food to someone in times of need has been the standard way to say “I care and support you.” I remember being so loved in such a tangible way when our community stepped up and delivered meals 3 times a week when my mother was ill. Offering to bring a homemade meal to a postpartum family will certainly be appreciated. To optimize your effort, make sure you’re taking family preferences (and of course allergies!) into account. Making your option freezable is a bonus.
There are many tech options to organize community meal efforts, so always make sure to ask if the family has one set up for them and get on the calendar (if not, consider organizing one for them). Getting too much food at one time can be overwhelming.
If the family seems to have a full calendar of meals, you may consider making a note to yourself to bring a meal at a later time. For instance, the end of maternity leave things get a lot harder, but the support is no longer there. Make a note to yourself in your calendar to bring your meal when the baby is 3 or 4 months old.
Cooking homemade food is not everyone’s strength. But you can still show up with food!
My favorite bought food ideas:
(I am definitely not sponsored by anyone, so these ideas are just my opinion)
Bagels and schmear - Bagels are a breakfast, lunch, or dinner in my book. They are filling and customizable. Bring bagels to a postpartum household and I promise you’ll be popular. Leftovers are easily frozen.
Panera family meal - For 40-odd dollars, you can get 2 meals for a family out of this order. This comes with 4 sandwiches, a quart of soup, and a whole baguette. When I’ve gotten it, my family has had the sandwiches for lunch and then saved the soup and baguette for dinner (and cookies for dessert make it extra special).
Moe’s family taco kit - A big box with little cups of ingredients for the family to just open up on the table and make their own tacos. My family of 5 usually has leftovers that are easily put away – just snap the lids back on and stick them in the fridge.
Favors
Favors are my favorite. They are unexpected to the friend in need, and if you tailor the favor to them, they truly feel seen. Some of these may feel unconventional, but just ask! Being extremely specific is helpful, and turns the vague “let me know if I can help!” into something your friend can concretely imagine and appreciate.
Laundry
“Leave a basket of dirty kid and baby laundry on your porch. I’ll bring it back clean and folded. If anyone has detergent sensitivities, throw that on top and I’ll use it.”
Dishes
“I’m available at [specific windows of times]. Let me in and I’ll unload and reload your dishwasher, and handwash any bottles or special items, and then be on my way.”
Childcare
“I’m available on [specific days] to bring your older children home from school.”
“I’m taking my child to the park (library, storytime, etc.) at [specific time]. Would you like me to pick up your older child to come along?”
“I’m free at [specific times]. Would you like me to come over to your house and help with the kids?”
Financial
For faraway friends, showing your support financially may be your only option. Here are some ideas for ways to send support. Of course some of these options are expensive. Going in together with a group of friends can help with these higher-price ideas that will truly impact your friend in need.
Sponsor a postpartum doula – You can research and send your friend a few options in her area before settling on one, or ask her if she already has a preference. Even just one session with a postpartum doula will leave a mom feeling cared for and supported by an expert.
Sponsor a housecleaning service – You can research and send your friend a few options in her area before settling on one, or ask her if she already has a preference. The “cleaning for the housecleaner” phenomenon is real, so you may need to coach your friend through just letting the cleaners come to the house in whatever state it is in.
Meal delivery gift card - Easily done sending to an email address, and families can tailor to their preferences.
Meal service - Tastefully Served is a local mom-owned business in the Triangle that I discovered when I had my third baby when out of town friends wanted to send me homemade-quality food. Order by Thursday, and they will bring you fully prepared meals to reheat in your kitchen the following Tuesday. They even have “kid meal” options. For friends in other cities, search and see if no-cook meal delivery services like this are available.
Plan for your own times of need
If you’re expecting, you can include ways for your friends and community to help you as a part of postpartum planning. Look at the ideas above and personalize it for you, add any other ideas you have, and type it up in a shareable google doc. Then when someone asks “how can I help?” you can click share. People love to be helpful. Asking for and accepting help is a difficult thing for many people who were raised in an individualistic culture where pulling up on your own bootstraps and muddling through on your own is seen as a badge of honor. But pausing to think about it – is that truly how you want it to be? Is that how you would act toward a friend in a similar circumstance? Chances are, you have more altruistic people in your community waiting in the wings than you know about. Giving them a guide takes the burden of guesswork off of them.
Even if you’re not expecting, consider making a similar document for yourself. We cannot plan for illnesses, injuries, or family grief that will bring people around saying “let me know if you need anything!” Have an answer ready to go for them, and plan for it in a time when you are not in crisis and can think more clearly.
Community support is one of the things critical for recovery from a PMAD. Therapy is another. If you think therapy may be helpful for you, schedule a free 15 minute call with me to see how I can support you.
