Perfectionism and Parenthood
Some people may be surprised when they find a question about perfectionistic personality traits on my intake form for therapy. However, perfectionistic personality traits may increase your chances of suffering from a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. Anxiety can be triggered when your expectations and reality are out of sync – and can we really know what to expect before we have a baby?
Therapy can help you identify patterns in perfectionistic thinking, open your eyes to how it affects you, and enable you to challenge these patterns. Doing this work can help you be fully present in your life as a parent in all of its flawed glory.
I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. Afflicted mostly in my teens and early twenties (I think they may put perfectionism powder in the water in suburban Washington D.C.), I now settle quite comfortably in “good enough.” I am grateful that the tide on my perfectionism turned long before I became a mother, because there is a strong pull to compare and feel inadequate (this is what keeps the Instagram beast alive and well!).
Dr. Donald Winicott, a pediatrician and developmental psychologist, introduced the concept of a “good enough mother” in the 1950’s. It may not seem like a good idea to trust a theory coming from the Don Draper era of parenting, but it has kept solid for the past 70 years. Research on attachment in the Ainsworth Attachment Clinic developed The Circle of Security program, which maintains that if a child’s attachment needs are met 30% of the time, the child can form a secure attachment. That leaves a 70% margin for grace!
In all of the messiness and lack of polish and good-enoughness, there is one context in which we can use the word “perfect:” you are the perfect parent for your baby. A metaphorical example of this comes from music therapy research in the NICU. Music therapists have a degree with extensive musical training and education about vocal and singing technique, but the most effective singing voice for implementing the music therapy is the parent. It does not matter if the parent sings regularly on stage at the Met, is a weekend karaoke queen (but only after 2 drinks), or thinks they can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Hearing develops in utero, and the infant develops a preference for the voice they hear prenatally. You may think of your voice as [insert colorful judgemental term to describe your voice as imperfect– as a music therapist, I’ve heard many self-deprecating descriptions!]. To them, your voice is the most beautiful in the world.
When I talk about affirmations with clients, there tends to be push back. It may seem silly to talk to yourself, especially using phrases you are not confident that you fully believe. However, someone needs to tell you regularly that perfection is not required for being your baby’s parent. The next time you are feeling frustrated or inadequate and the perfectionism monster is rearing its head, find a statement to counteract these thoughts. Some examples: “I am learning and that’s ok;” “I am the right woman for this job;” “I am a good enough mother.” Take some deep breaths, and say them out loud. Countering perfectionism is not black & white, win or lose (I know perfectionists have a hard time with this!) but starting somewhere is important. If you think therapy would be helpful, please reach out on my contact page. You deserve to enjoy the time with your baby and all of the messy, chaotic, disorderly adventures they bring.
