Remembering Grann:

how my kids keep the memory of a woman they never met

My mom was a great mom, but if she had had a chance to be a grandmother – that would have been her role of a lifetime. I look at my three children and can feel her beaming with pride. When my first child was born 2.5 years after her death, I grieved on a new level. But since the beginning of motherhood, I have been making sure my children know their grandmother. Nine years in, I have the proof that it is working. They talk about her with familiarity. They express feelings that they miss her presence. One year on her death anniversary (without prompting besides “Mom might be sad today because it’s Grann’s death anniversary”), my oldest presented me with a drawing of a hydrangea, my mom’s favorite flower. I don’t think I can fully calculate the levels of sentiment in that gesture.

NB: I’d like to say that this is a personal writing about my experience. Family dynamics are nuanced and individual, and I write this with a “blog voice” and not a “therapist voice.” My therapist voice would never assume similarities in our situations and our needs, and would not tell you a prescriptive list. But today I share my experience in this context in case it finds someone it may help.

4 Dos and 3 Don’ts For Fostering Connection
between your children and your deceased parent

DO:

Remember with things

My mother loved Things. She collected Things, she made Things. So in filling my house, I have placed reminders of her around:  her paintings in the kids’ rooms, a selection of her vintage eggbeater collection hanging in the kitchen, her holiday tablecloth. Your house does not need to become a museum or shrine, but incorporating objects in your daily living spaces can give your children familiarity and affinity to a representation of your parent’s life. Photos belong in this category – be sure your favorites are on display.

Remember with traditions

Holidays may be the most obvious time to think of traditions from your parent to pass down to your children, but there are many opportunities throughout the year and daily life where you can keep traditions alive. Maybe it’s a special lullaby your parent used to sing, or a brownie recipe to bring to all potlucks. Share your memories of this tradition, and make sure your children know it’s a bridge from your parent to them.

Remember with traits

Point out the similarities – big or small – you and your children share with your parent. For some families that might be curly hair or the sound of a laugh. In my house, this sounds like “Grann was an artist too – she would love your drawing!” and “Grann made up lots of silly songs just like you do!” Just the other day, it sounded like, “Mom, why do you always wash the cans before you open them?” “Grann used to do this too – she taught me about all the gross stuff that ends up on can lids, so I always do this.” It’s the little things!

Remember with stories

Remembering with things, traditions, and traits will inevitably bring stories. However as my children have gotten older, I have brought in some intentional storytelling for the sake of storytelling. One favorite new way has been to play “Two Truths and a Lie” about their grandmother. I will tell them two true facts about her and one fib, and they guess which ones are true and which one is not so true. Usually at least one of the three will lead to a story or more questions! This becomes lighthearted and fun – sharing about our loved one without becoming overly sentimental for occasions like car rides to school.

DON’T:

Be afraid to cry

By demonstrating your sadness, you are showing your children that grief is normal, healthy, and a part of the human experience. Your crying – even intensely – will not harm them. You can offer age appropriate explanations for your tears, further normalizing the experience of emotions.

Hide away memories

Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. By blocking the grief, you block the love.

My favorite example of this is the Von Trapp family portrayed in The Sound of Music. The Captain wanted no reminders of his deceased wife, including music and singing, which emotionally blockaded his 7 children. When he sat down to sing “Edelweiss” with his guitar, he invited his children to feel grief and love again. Avoid becoming Captain von Trapp. Allow the memories to be present in your life so that you can be present with your children.

Cling to the shadows of a generation past

If your parent were present, your relationship would be growing and evolving, especially as you walk your own journey through parenthood. They would not always agree with you, and you would have had to communicate disagreements and set boundaries. Looking back, you may feel pull, pressure, or guilt to do something because that was what your parent did in your childhood. But you have the autonomy to set boundaries even though your parent has died. You have a right to let go of traditions or expectations that don’t serve you.

You also may find that parenting brings up developmental trauma of your own childhood. Just because your parent is not around to process it with you or explain themselves does not mean that you are not allowed to feel your feelings about it. The death of your parent does not absolve anything that caused you harm in childhood, but it may feel difficult to process any negative emotions in their absence. Making space for the “both/and” allows to simultaneously feel conflicting feelings like grief/anger, love/resentment, gratitude/remorse. 

This last point is the most complex. If you are struggling with processing developmental trauma or both/and feelings about your parent, or if your feelings of grief complicate your daily parenting experience, you may benefit from professional support. Please reach out to me or another qualified mental health professional. I am also developing a therapy group for parents parenting without their own parent – you are not alone.