Touched Out

Oh deer

I was watching out the window into my father’s backyard on a recent visit to Northern Virginia. He refers to his backyard as “the nature preserve,” because suburban wildlife is often spotted out his back window. One evening a small herd of deer was grazing in his backyard, much to my children’s delight. There was a mama deer and a young deer with her. The young deer was nuzzling her mom’s neck. It was so adorable I pulled out my camera and started filming. At that point, the mom picked up a front hoof and nudged her cuddly offspring away. And then for good measure, she did it again – more of a shove this time.

I experienced some interspecies empathy at that moment. On this trip with my growing toddler, I had to adapt to his sleeping situation. When did the pack-n-play shrink? He barely fits anymore, so he needed to co-sleep in my full bed. He was the nuzzler deer; I was the touched out mom.

What is “touched out?”

Feeling “touched out” is a common experience in early parenthood. This means that the capacity for tolerating physical contact with comfort and ease is surpassed, and a parent may feel overwhelmed, physically triggered, stressed out, or even feel rage. This experience may go against expectations of parenthood, where you imagine yourself always contentedly snuggling your child and enjoying your physical connection. 

Cultural impact

Every individual has their own threshold of physical preference of touch, which has been influenced through intersecting factors throughout their lifetime. I will scratch the surface with two cultural factors that may come into play.

My partner finds himself touched out more often than I do (yes, dads get touched out too!). He makes it known in social situations that he’s “not a hug guy.” He’s never been one for PDA, even though we met in our early 20’s. He is German. When you look at his upbringing within that culture, it makes sense that he has a lower threshold for physical touch. Now he spends his days filling the needs of cuddly oldest and youngest, and wrestling with our high-impact, sensory-seeking middle child. If I go in for a hug, he may shrug me off. I understand – he’s touched out.

Simply being a woman is another factor when considering what triggers the touched out feeling. Growing up in a culture where we have often encountered unsolicited touch, we have been on the defensive most of our lives. Of course a toddler grabbing your thigh while making dinner is a completely different context than a dude in a bar grabbing your thigh when dancing, but your visceral reaction does not necessarily take that into account. 

Impact on relationship with partner

If your day with your children leaves you feeling touched out, there is no reserve tank kept separate for intimacy with your partner – you will not be in the mood for sexual intimacy. If you are touched out on a daily basis, this means that the intimacy in your relationship will suffer. A relationship can withstand this for a period of time, but finding your “new normal” for sex after parenthood is important to maintain a strong partnership and your own sexuality as a human being.

What to do about feeling touched out?

Examine unmet needs

You are in a parenting phase when you are anticipating and catering to the needs of others. When was the last time you checked in with your own needs? A good place to start is with these five:  sleep, nutrition, hydration, movement, and time outside. Then check in with your need for personal space.

Let go of the guilt about your own needs

Having your own needs does not make you a bad mom. It makes you a human mom.

Setting boundaries – how can I meet my child’s needs and also meet my own?

Maybe your child needs higher levels of touch right now – for example if you are breastfeeding, or they are contact napping, or if they are sick. What can you do to make sure your child is getting their needs met and also meet your own needs? Or maybe the question should be:  what needs of your own do you need to meet in order to be able to meet the needs of your child?

Determine your own sensory coping strategies

Think of the 5 senses:  seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting. Are there strategies you could use that provide regulation for your state of stress?  For example, if visual clutter is overwhelming to you, have a sweep away basket for when you need a quick clean up. If noise is overstimulating, look into earplugs that filter (not eliminate) sound (I have loops!). Using these strategies, even though they affect other senses, may make touch more manageable in the moment.

Talk to a therapist

If feeling touched out is becoming a problem, interfering with your life as a parent or a partner, talking to a therapist who understands this issue may help. Please reach out to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation if you think this step may be right for you now.